very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
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And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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