I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
