i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
