Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
