i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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