I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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