your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
