I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
