his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
