Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
