Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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