Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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