He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
