On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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