drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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