Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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