So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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