take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
