i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
