I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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