I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
