We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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