Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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