I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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