Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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