o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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