Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
