i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
