I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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