My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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