You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i think i just lost a toe
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
