found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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