The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
