dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
