The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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