I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
