what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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