Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He better not be in your backpack
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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