My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
