turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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