Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i now understand why vodka
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
