i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
