Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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