Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
