Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
