More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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