Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
