I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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