just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
