I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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