Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
