Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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