She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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