I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
