It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My ATM looks so different sober.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
