I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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